The BOOMING tick tock of the biological clock (for a mid-forties man)

So much is said for straight couples when it comes to the tick-tock of the biological clock and procreation. But what about the gay biological clock?

I was having a conversation with my Mum last week as I left her house. We’d had a catch up. Tea, fags and gossip. The usual. As I left, she said my Substack about ageing really made her laugh.

Looking back at that piece I sound like I’m ready for a care home. There’s obviously life in the old dog yet ;-)

As I left mum’s house, I remarked at the fact my Dad was 45 years old when I arrived in the summer of 1980. In the nicest possible way, he always felt like an older dad. He wasn’t bouncing with energy like some of the other dads. He wasn’t one of those dads taking us to football in the park of a summer’s evening. Also, let it be known, I had no desire to be playing football or ball sports of any kind.

But he did the endless early morning trips to the swimming baths when both my brother and I were close to being National swimmers. So that was something I neglected to consider.

That conversation with mum sat with me for a few days. The conversation of becoming a dad did too.

You see, as a single and happy gay guy who is pretty much non scene and not that interested in being part of a crowd just for the sake of it or because of my sexuality – I’m continually being asked about children and whether I want them and occasionally it can be rather boring.

Unlike my girl pals (of which there are MANY) the conversation of fertility and the biological clock ticking away has been a real feature in my life for the past two decades. Some have struggled, some have popped them out with ease, many have frozen their eggs, and some have even gone and become mothers on their own which has been awesome to see.

But being a single guy in his mid-forties without a relationship on the horizon (which I’m chilled about, FYI) I’ve not got lots of options if I’d like to become a father. You see, I don’t have a womb. It’s far easier for a woman to go solo and become a parent. They have a furry wall ready for an embryo to cling onto and start their journey to becoming a parent.

My stance is simple, I’m not against kids - but I’d want to be in a proper solid relationship that had real legs with a partner on the same page as me and know that we’d be there to bring up a child in the best possible way together. Not on a solo mission. That would be really tricky to navigate.

Also, as I approach the grand old age of 44 I’m continually reflecting on my dad and his age when I was born and whether it was really the right move to be that age when I was born. I wonder what sort of life I would have led if he’d been ten years younger. For example, would we have had a closer relationship growing up? Possibly. But it’s a proper coulda, woulda, shoulda scenario.

I’m also reminded of a quote I heard years back where a friend said to me her parents had remarked she would be “a lot less selfish” if she were to become a parent. She had the kids but not much changed. In some ways, does it just make you more patient and caring becoming a parent? I know some people who have become parents and it’s not changed their ethos at all. If anything, some have resented the fact they’re not number one and they’re not able to have the life they had before putting their kiddies first in every way. For others it’s changed the entire ethos of who they once were.

So, I’m led back to my thoughts on how we, as humans, are born with this pre-conceived notion of how our lives should run. You know, you’re born, you grow up, you start dating, eventually meet a partner, you get engaged, get married, have kids, grow older, retire and then die.

Despite the world continually telling us we can do whatever we want, it’s amazing that this life ethos still has such a hold on us. A generational pull, supplying pressure on people to procreate. Naturally, passed down for generations before us. Like Jack Russells continually chase rabbits down holes and never relent.

But why haven’t we got to the point where the pressure on having kids has subsided? After all, there are plenty of people who have decided not to. And in some ways, is this world - and where things stand right now - even a good place to bring a child into? There’s no doubt the planet has been wheezing from overpopulated countries, there’s huge environmental pressures and global warming and then there’s the fact there are wars all across the planet. Some on-going, some about to begin and an uncertainty of what lies ahead of us all. Is that a fair world for us to bring up a child in? I question that too.

The main reason I even ponder fatherhood is selfish, I’d love to give my mum a grandchild. I think she always thought I’d be the son to give her the first grandchild. That didn’t happen and probably won’t now. I’ve got two lush nephews via my brother. But up until now I still held a little flame that one day it might happen for her and for me. I’m not so sure now.

Rest assured; I’ve got a plethora of children who I love very much in my life. Six godchildren so far. I’ve let it be known that I’m “done” with godchildren now (and I’m doing that again here now ). They’re all amazing and I love being part of their lives as they grow. I’ll probably swing into action as the fun Guncle when they reach 18 and they realise I can get them into nightclubs and teach then about all the fun things. That’s if I’m not asleep on the couch watching Emmerdale by then (highly doubt that).

Then there’s my nephews who have literally transformed my life. I love them to the moon. But I also love when I hand them back to their parents and the silence is deafening in my flat if we’ve had a sleepover. Does that make me a bad uncle? I don’t think so!

I guess the real point of this newsletter was to brain dump where I stand on children – for my own good. My dad died when I was in my late twenties and that was a hell of a lot to deal with – took me over a decade to properly work through the pain and loss. It’s exhausting being asked about whether I want to have kids at dinners. Don’t drop that shady conversation bomb on me, people. I can’t imagine how hard it is being continually asked when you’re a woman. Especially if you’re quietly having problems and actually want to be a parent or pondering if you’ll ever be able to conceive.

Another tricky thought is when I was 19 and finally ready to “come out” (god that phrase is such a bore) we didn’t have the option for many life goals.

We didn’t think we’d ever be able to get married or have children. It literally wasn’t an option. So, to be living in this free world like we are where everything is a possibility is something I’ve slightly struggled with. I like for my options to be firmly laid out on the table. Don’t mess me around with your huge life changes, thank you very much.

So, wrapping this one up in the words of Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes, who knows what tomorrow brings. It might happen. It might not. But I’m cool either way. My calm mantra of late with life is simple. Go with the waves. Stop trying to control everything. Just go with it.  You never know that current might take you in a new direction that’s actually rather lovely. Kids or no kids.

That’s all for now, Kids.

PS. The News Agents’ Emily Maitlis did a fascinating episode on how the world is running out of babies last week. Did you catch it? Fascinating to hear this episode on the crisis of birthrates globally plummeting. Check it out below…