REVISITED: 69 rather silly showbiz stories to introduce myself...
I kicked off my newsletter with this piece - the life of a tabloid showbiz reporter really was a hell of a lot of fun in the mid noughties. Here are some tabloid tales that got us acquainted!
Willkommen! Bienvenue! Welcome!
Lately I’ve had a lot of new subscribers and followers on ye olde Substack. Over 900 now - so I decided to rebirth this numero uno piece.
My first piece that was published back in February 2023. It gives a good insight into who I am, where I came from and what mischief I got up to as a tabloid reporter in the world of entertainment and showbiz.
ENJOY this flashback to when I began on the ‘stack. I wrote 69 facts because I’m very childlike a silly. Don’t hate me.
1. Madonna is my Queen. I met her twice properly. Once for a cocktail in Claridge’s for her W.E. film. She leant in at the end and said “would you like a picture”. Erm, does Dolly Parton sleep on her back?
2. I keep said picture of Madonna and moi on my living room shelf…next to one of my mum and I. They both did their bit to bring me up.
3. I once had to stalk Madonna when I was at the Mirror and dined next to her at San Lorenzo (RIP). I might have sent my favourite Indian friend Ushma into the loo to get me the scoop 😬 She might have walked into Stella McCartney’s open loo cubicle while she was peeing as she was so flustered 😂 (Ushma got the scoop and the headline the next day was “Loo’s That Girl”).
4. My friend Alice’s dog Betsy is so stupid. We were in Casa Cruz and Madonna was dining opposite us. She let the dog off the lead in the hope she’d run up to Madge. She just did a lap of honour of the restaurant. Madonna ignored her. And us.
5. I began my career by selling seven exclusives of Madonna’s music videos to the tabloids. Some say that was shady. I say I helped her get to number one, natch.
6. The money I made from selling Madonna’s music video exclusives kept my canary yellow Fiesta on the road for four years. Money would arrive in a brown paper bag on a courier in exchange for the video.
7. The first celebrity I ever interviewed (or met) was Ruby Wax. All I asked her about was what it was like to interview Madge.
8. When I first saw Madonna in the flesh it was for the Swept Away premiere. I took my mum as my date. We were mesmerised by Paula Yates who wore a green Vivienne Westwood gown.
9. One of my best friends Rave went front row to see Madonna’s Rebel Heart tour. She doesn’t even like Madonna that much. Not cool.
10. I was once asked by a National newspaper to go and stay at Champney’s in a room next to a Corrie soap star. The boss said he was bugging a bunch of flowers that I needed to deliver them to her and then “could you sit in your room and record everything and transcribe what goes on”. I point blank refused and resigned weeks later. Morals firmly in tact.
11. I hate the fact all the papers phone hacked. It ruined lives. And some people need to put their hands up and admit that we’re part of that machine. Fucking liars!
12. I was once so off my head at Glastonbury interviewing eighties legend Belinda Carlisle that I opened with the statement “well firstly, I loved you in the Bangles”. Wrong band. She was fuming.
13. Coleen Rooney was frightfully dull in ye olde days. I ghosted her Closer column once and she wanted to lead on a new nail polish colour she’d ‘discovered’. I hung up on her. She was getting paid £2,000 a week for YEARS to “write” that column.
14. My favourite celebrity interview was with P!nk. The dirtiest laugh in the business - I dubbed her “big unit” describing her when she was pregnant with her first child. And she howled laughing - admitting she’d put on five stone eating WHOLE cakes when she felt the urge. She’s the best.
15. Most jealous of: Zoe Ball. For this fledgling friendship she’s made with Barbara Streisand. I mean.
16. A good friend of mine once woke up in Ibiza with Tara Reid on one side of him and Jedward on the other side. It was confusing when I knocked on the door to wake him up. Worth noting Jedward were fully clothed. Tara wasn’t.
17. The first celebrity I had my picture taken with “for the job” was Melanie Griffith. In Cannes at Pierre Cardin’s villa. It was taken by the legendary Richard Young.
18. I took Paris Hilton out once to Kabaret Club (RIP) in London. She ordered us a bottle of absinthe to drink. It was just us. I don’t remember getting home.
19. We were sat next to Prince that night. We went to the DJ booth, I introduced her on the microphone to the whole club and we organised for Black Sweat to be played. Prince’s latest single. He’d left by the time we got back to the table. Burn.
20. Huge amount of time for Paris. She’s the real deal. I also got passively stoned interviewing her at home in Ibiza when she was launching her Amnesia club nights. It was foggy inside her penthouse.
21. I once took Cara Delevingne and her then girlfriend Michelle Rodriguez to Burger King at Oxford Services. Both dressed in animal onesies. Incognito? Not so much.
22. People I’ve always wanted to meet properly and have a turbo knobby picture taken with them. Kate Moss, David Bowie, Carole King and Tina Turner. I’ve pretty much done the rest.
23. Secret girl crush: Michelle Pfeiffer. I told her I’d loved her deeply since Grease 2 and she squeezed my hands right and looked at me like I was a mad person.
24. Talking of Grease 2 - Lorna Luft isn’t much fun IRL. I played a game with her where she had to finish the famous film line and screeched “Hey, Paulette - you gotta out your fingers in the holes.” And she hissed “I’m not breaking my nails” before turning on her heels and walking away from me.
25. Her sister Liza Minnelli is one of the hardest to interview. Not only is she as mad as a box of frogs - she has terrible hearing. “Whaaaaaaat, that’s a ridiculous question,” she spat when I met her at Hampton Court Palace Festival. I did introduce her to my mum too - which was surreal.
26. Gillian Anderson was so difficult to interview back when I was at the Mirror. Spikey, actually. Refused to talk about X-Files when I met her. So I did a picture caption of her with a big up-do getting out of a car and the headline choice was OBVS “the bouff is out there”.
27. Pamela Anderson is one of the cutest celebs to interview. Really enjoyed her company. Super flirty too. Her eye make up reminds you of a panda up close. It’s insanity.
28. Louis Walsh introduced me to Grace Jones backstage at the Elton John party at the Oscars once. She was in a corset and a thong and refused to speak to me until she’d done her blusher. She did it for ten minutes. No joke.
29. Which celebrity do I wish was still alive today? Peaches Geldof. Without question. She was years ahead of her time and understood Showbiz like no other.
30. I met Janet Jackson with Claudia Winkleman at Sketch. We both fangirled over her for ages. It’s surreal meeting the biggies who are really famous. They don’t seem real.
31. Dolly Parton in the flesh is INSANE. But what a woman. So clever and fun.
32. I was once enjoying a jacuzzi at the Gstaad Palace Hotel early one morning. Who is the last person you EVER want to get into your bubbly situation? I’ll tell you. Harvey Weinstein. I got straight out.
33. Talking of Harvey, we had breakfast once. All he talked about was Kelly Brook and now he wanted “to make her a star”. Ugh.
34. Say what you want about Piers Morgan. He was an amazing boss to work for. Super supportive and fought for his staff.
35. It took Geri Halliwell four meetings with me until she actually remembered my name. Including the fact I’d even sat next to her at a friend’s wedding.
36. Mel C basically gave up drinking to any sort of excess for good after a night out with me. Awks. We can laugh about it now. Just :-)
37. Melanie and I once duetted off the cuff to When You’re Gone at a charity event I put on at Cuckoo Club to raise money for Macmillan Cancer Support. I felt I sounded great. Fans on YouTube said I murdered the shit out of it. But hey ho. I love that woman and it was a fab moment I’ll never forget.
38. Victoria Beckham never did another tabloid after me. She swore throughout the interview and when it ran she tried to fire her PR over it. The reason? I “made her too real” and her mum had gone nuts about the swearing. Mum knows best.
39. Posh has blanked me ever since. I love the woman too. She’s very witty and fun.
40. People you think are dull but are actually turbo fun. Joss Stone. I went dancing with her in a warehouse rave in Berlin once. V fun.
41. I once had drinks with the late Brittany Murphy at Chateau shortly before she died. She drank tea and was the cutest. That also deceased hubby of hers clearly had her drugged. Awful.
42. John Travolta was dubbed John Travolting by some friends after they partied with him one night in LA. That name has stuck.
43. Barbara Windsor and I used to send each other books to read. Like a little private book club. The last book she sent me was a gorgeous hand signed copy of her autobiography.
44. I took my first ecstasy tablet on a press trip to interview David Guetta and Kelly Rowland in Ibiza. I took it, was off my nut and left Pacha and got on a shuttle bus to San Antonio. My record company exec chaperone wasn’t too impressed. When love takes over…I eventually made it back two hours later. That was quite the night.
45. At Matthew Freud’s GQ Awards party one of his sons confused Lindsay Lohan. When she went to the bathroom he pressed a button and the courtyard dropped into a swimming pool. Lindsay came back and thought she was tripping. Classic.
46. My pal Poppy Delevingne once introduced me to E.L. James of 50 Shades game at Chateau Marmont. I replied: “Nice to meet you - my Nan calls your books 50 Shades of Shit.” Not my finest moment.
47. Katie Price once told me her ultimate fantasy was a bukkake party with a load of hot army men. “Lay me on a picnic bench and then just spray all over me”. Yuck.
48. Talking of Pricey. I sat next to Vanessa Feltz at her wedding to Peter Andre. That was bananas. The happy couple had a stage and a catwalk which after the wedding breakfast they walked down and launched into a live version of Aladdin’s A Whole New World. Real trippy.
49. My first ever foreign work trip was to go to New York and interview Shakira up the Rockerfeller Centre in 2001. I was there for one night. I can’t even remember the trip it was so whistle-stop. Sucks.
50. Anyone that thinks Britney Spears is ready for a musical comeback or even a social media account is a crazy person. It makes me sad to see where she is right now.
51. I gave Britney possibly the only good review of the Circus tour in the British tabloid media - I thought it was fun and a grand production. She sent me a personally signed programme to thank me which I still have somewhere.
52. Carrie Underwood, Tyrese Gibson and Lisa Stansfield came to a party I threw at the Wellington Club many moons ago. Carrie thought it was my birthday (maybe it was) and bought me an electric guitar. I still have it. Never used it.
53. Billie Piper is not my sister. But I’d like her to be.
54. Sharon Osbourne once nearly got me thrown out of Soho House in West Hollywood because she was screeching obscenities about a big named British celebrity and throwing her cucumber martini against the glass wall of the balcony. “Mrs Osbourne, please can you refrain from throwing any more martinis against the window,” they said. “Oh faaaaaarkkkk offff,” she replied.
55. I once nearly got arrested with a Steve Coogan in Los Angeles for throwing a fag end out of the window of the convertible he was driving.
56. That same night I met a scruffy looking stoner called Scarlett at the Spider Club. Miss Johansson, no less. This was before her first film came out.
57. I once went to Mariah Carey’s Halloween party at the Mandarin Oriental Knightsbridge and walked in as she was miming on the dance floor to her own song Emotions dressed in a full Playboy Bunny outfit.
58. Mariah can do a brilliant cockney accent. Next time you meet her you just ask her to do it. I insist.
59. My friend once sent a video of me dancing to Gaga TO GAGA as a text. Gaga replied instantly with an upside down face and I will forever not know what that means.
60. Flirtiest two interviews I ever did - Ricky Martin in New York on the set of Evita and Enrique Iglesias in London. Both know how to work a captive gay audience. Beyond flirty. Nearly wondered whether to make a lunge.
61. I’m ferociously loyal about Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie. Both are lovely human beings. Polite, charming and wonderful. Don’t be mean about them.
62. I was once sat next to Beatrice at Annabel’s and my dressed crab starter was full of shell. Beatrice had finished hers and swapped the plates, whispering: “Nobody will tell me off for not finishing.” Class act.
63. Jodie Kidd, Alex Best and I once caught legendary cricketer David Gower in a bar in Barbados all over a woman who was not his wife. I took a picture on a chuckaway camera. It made the front page of the Mirror. “Howzat” it read. His friend Piers Morgan was furious somebody had stitched him up. Naughty cheater.
64. We admitted to Piers it was our group effort years later. He laughed his socks off and said he was proud of us all.
65. Adele single handedly tried to insist I went to see Kanye West perform at Glastonbury that year he headlined. She rapped at me for a good five minutes straight across a handful of Kanye’s songs. She could easily record a rap and get away with it. Proper licks. BTW, I didn’t go. Soz, babes.
66. I once went with a gaggle including Alexa Chung and Alexander Skaarsgard to watch Florence and the Machine at Glasto. I was, ERM, a little worse for wear when I asked Alexander from True Blood what the “big light” above the stage was. He replied immediately and loudly for all to hear: “dude, it’s the moon.” I took a huge drinks order at that point and ran for where Goldie was playing at Arcadia to dance some of that shit off. Just say no, Kids.
67. Dame Joan Collins simply doesn’t kiss or air kiss! Remember that. I launched at her once and she said: “No no, what are you doing? I don’t do that kissing thing. It’s unhygienic.” So there we go.
68. I once DJ’d for then married couple Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher at South Kensington’s Firehouse. I played Madonna, Christina, Britney, and Pink. Ashton and the daughters came up to me and said I needed to watch what happened if I put on Madonna’s Jump. Demi hit the dance floor like her life depended on it and does a wicked slut drop. Was major.
69. Peaches Geldof’s wedding was one of the happiest weddings I’ve ever been too. So many ‘celebs’ didn’t show up on the day despite confirming attendance. She wasn’t bothered. Worth noting when she died all those celebs that hadn't bothered coming to the wedding paraded themselves infront of the cameras to attend her funeral. Shady creatures.
Until next week, Kids. Please share this if you can. A restack goes a long way…