Heading to the UNVRS Opening in Ibiza

It was the big opening of the year, and it was a thrill to be there.

Willkommen! Bienvenue! Welcome!

This week I’m doing something different. Let’s call it a list. Some funnies, some observations and lots of vibes.

ENJOY.

Waking up at 6am for a panic banana, shave, shower and a clothes choice.

Go for the Gucci’s in case my feet get stomped on.

Leave for the taxi rank in town.

Pick up my friend Georgia at Can Arabi – my hands are shaky.

I don’t do large superclubs often. 10,000 people under one roof.

Doors to manual, cross check.

Didn’t have anything to worry about once there.

The zombies are trickling out from the night before. It is 8.15am. I’m part of the ‘sunrise crew’. Mostly locals joining the throng.

The girl gurning against the wall trying to put her sunglasses on to block out the sun.

She hasn’t got any sunglasses in her hands or on top of her head.

Hope she’s OK. Her boyfriend is trying to work through the madness.

Meet Leslee Tatman, our gracious host. The Gucci jumpsuit is noted. She needs a hug after being there all-night working.

Slipping in via the back door, the light travels into the darkness of the club. A guy hisses at me to close the door.

Head to the Parisian Suite. It’s the Friends and Family VIP area. Great interior.

Is there a sex room? Well, there’s a girl being finger blasted in one corner.

We move rooms.

We leave the suite for the smoking area. The door shuts behind us. A grey haired tall guy refuses us entry back in. “You go round”. We ignore him and make it back through.

He’s angry.

Hey ho.

We head to the back of the club to see the space from the back. It’s insane. People clambering onto the stairs at the back. Like sardines.

The production is incredible. The lights. The huge squares of light that dip and throng. The smoke blasting out from the sides.

The air con is insane. Nipples are hard.

Happy slapper Will Smith is there. Lolz.

We head to The Dome – synonymous with the old club Privilege – where we meet friends. It’s morning. Quite a headfuck after the darkness of the main room.

Back in for the start of Jamie Jones going B2B with Carl Cox at 9.15am.

The music is insane.

Leslee places us in a pen alongside the DJs. The best view in the house.

We dance.

Lapping up the vibes.

Feeling it all rush over our bodies. Tingles on each big drop.

Fuck. I need a wee.

Damn my mid-forties bladder.

Security guard tell me the loos are at the back of the VIP area.

The loos are tiny. For all these thousands of people? Sure. It’s mayhem.

I spy loos across the other side of the vast room.

Literally nobody in them. Joyous.

Make my way back to the pen down the other side of the room.

Handsome Spanish security guy clearly hates me. I can’t get back to my mates.

Text Leslee. Need to wait.

Get a breakfast beer.

Jade Jagger wanders through. I hide at the bar. I don’t need that scenario in the morning.

Head back into the apartment.

You hand your phone in and get a card in return. I can’t text my friends to say where I am.

Must remain calm about having no phone.

Bump into Jenny Frost from Atomic Kitten. God, I love that woman. Anxiety subsides.

Tequila shot.

My friends arrive. They’re thrilled to have found me. Introductions made to Jenny. We are a wolf pack now.

Leslee takes us back to the pen alongside Jamie and Carl. Joyous.

We dance.

My friend makes his way to Carl to say hello. Bold.

Eyes closed, shaking my head, a slave to the rhythm.

Friend number one’s wife arrives. He must go. Lolz, his wife brought one of his children to pick him up.

We stay ‘til the bitter end.

Haven’t enjoyed a club for many years like this.

Am I a clubber again? Doubtful.

But this was the most incredible launch rave.

Meet the owner and congratulate him.

Shake Cox’s hand as he leaves through the back door. He embraces my friend with a hug.

Made up.

Happy bloody days.

Home by 1pm (well, I did go to lunch and carry on all afternoon – but I would have been home at 1pm so I’m sticking with this).

That’s the way to do it.

No silly late night.

Lots of action.

Loads of memories made in four glorious hours of morning raving.

There needs to be more of this.

Make sure you head to UNVRS this summer. It’s quite the spectacle. Needs to be seen to be believed.

Bravo, Team UNVRS.